Saturday, April 4, 2009

The Walk-In - Blinded By Hope

Thoughts paraded my mind as the time blew over carrying me around in my mentations. I looked idly at the cobwebs gathering fast in the upper corner of my room. I had been seeing that lock of spurious mesh for some months now. It was always lucky to escape the short broom. It had always been a challenge for me. A challenge because of my laziness. All that was required was a chair from the adjoining room and unfurling the scene of murder before my eyes. A spider seated amidst the entanglement of its hard work, rocked slowly matching the tempo of the circling fan. It seemed to eye me with tart vengeance as if I was the foreigner not it but we lived alone happily together in a room without invading each others space.

Loneliness has not been a stranger. What’s disturbing about loneliness is the redundant voice in you, pestering you that you must be mated to someone and that loneliness is a frightening mistake in the old age. As I believe that I age and that I age. The voice in you is not bothered about who you find. It just keeps tormenting you. I've often told people including my parents and friends around me of my intent to be left alone for a time. They agnized this and saw this announcement as trying to be devoid of their company. I often felt repentant, that I cherished such an unusual thing as solitude. To my friends and family, the declaration to be alone sounds as a sign of rejection and a sign of madness. I've noticed that many have never felt the need to be left alone; they rather enjoy a crowd, probably having always lived happily in relationships. They look upon me and my need for solitude as eccentricity and lunacy.

Finally one day, interior and exterior become one, and you are like a dumb person who has had a dream to finally commit. One day there comes an instant when a conclusion must be made. A lady climbes the ladder and comes into your life and you gloam into the tradition of must-fall-in-love. Love falls into a surrogate thought which befalls beliefs. Beliefs which cherishes norms. Norms which compliment hopes. Finally two people who want to love each other must question themselves how much they hope for as their love expands and intensifies, and how much risk they are inclined to take. It is in truth a fearsome gamble. To think of it, the way of the nature of love is to create. A matrimony itself is something which has to be created.

To get married is the biggest risk in earthly relations that a human can take. If we commit ourselves to one person for life, is there as ordinary mortals think a limitation of freedom? Will man be able to accommodate the change in his accustomed rhythm in life? Will he be selfish to the demands to give it all to love which is temporary? Is not love merely participation and not possession for life and in actuality invading each others space? Will he be able to express the gender equality what men internally cherish and comprehend in their daily interations? Will man never be called a "hen pecked" if he compromises and gives his soul to knead his actions?

I glanced again at the spider for some comment; it kept rocking to the breeze of the weary ceiling fan as if in agreement. And yet again, I invited the guest to walk the steps into my soul as the time passes by in my existence in this selfish world.


Winnie the poohi said...

I find this pressure for being hitched.. umm as lunacy!

For those who have never known the joys of solitude... I dunno how they can!

I cherish my solitude as much as I suppose you do too.. its nice to know that am not alone in it :)

I wud say.. dont succumb!

Destination Infinity said...

It is written.

All you can do is take solace in the fact that you can't do much about it anyways. Life is a combination of navarasas. Nine qualities and emotions which fulfill your being. So, accept the fact that you can't always be happy in life :-)

Destination Infinity

Shadowthorne said...

... if you are ready then get a woman. Unfortunately it did not work out in my case.

I was born a loner too. And my marriage had hit the rocks.

I am happier now than before, without her. (now you know why the term 'am/was married'.

Reema said...

as they say, shaadi hai motichur ka ladoo. Jo khaye wo pachtaye, jo na khayae wo bhi pachtaye.

Indyeah said...

What has to happen will happen:)
In the meantime enjoy your solitude:)and dont ever feel life is all we have...why not live it a little for ourselves too?:)

Vyazz said...

I suppose there are two ways of looking at things. You need not necessarily feel hen pecked or feel that your privacy is compromised. I live alone here and am single (main reason being that I believe in loving just the one right person in your life)
As much as I love being single, I cannot help feel a pang of envy whenever I see a couple walking by the river immersed in each other. That love is something so precious and so one of a kind.
Just make sure, that whom ever you go for is someone who loves you for who you are.

Smita said...

Aren't we always scared of unseen???

Solitude is something which we can easily fall in love with ;-)

amit said...

As a Mr Gump said, life is like a box of chocolates.
I think life is meant to happen, it could be dangerous to bend it according to our own needs.

Anonymous said...

i second what reema has to say

vimmuuu said...

Same boat buddy, same boat !!! My parents thought I was insane when I rejected the concept of marriage. but sometimes, one has to compromise a lot of things to keep the loved ones happy. sigh !

Btw, so you are committed, huh?

vishesh said...

everything is an illusion, yet we need to experience it and understand it to break it...

Man's work is to break inability,
To achieve it or not is destiny.

brocasarea said...

now i like being s bachelor...cant say abt the future...lets see wht happens...!!!

Vee said...

Stay away from the poison. Not as long as it can be avoided but forever. With due respect to married ones (who are happy), I detest the idea of one bound to spend his/her life with just one person. At the same time, I have no grouse against the staunch supporters as long as they do not preach me.

Do not be bogged down by that voice which warns you of the old age. It's a trick. Do not give in.

los said...

Thers no saying what u are gonna come up with after leaping off that cliff.....a pearl,trash,a pearl but u want trash..anything. But theres only so much leaping u can do and its the undying hopefulness of that moment thats so enchanting.All the best.

RukmaniRam said...

why is marriage such a big deal?

Anonymous said...

Wow you thought all these just by looking at a spider :P

On a more serious note, what I can say about being in solitude and in a relationship is like the quote

'There are two kinds of tragedies in this world. One is getting what you want and other is not getting it.'

Kind of a mobius strip, ain't it?

SSQuo said...

Marriage means not to me what it means to many around me. But I choose to ignore it - I will get married when and if I am ready or never :) Don't know if some people will be happy about it, but if I can stay like this forever, maybe I will. Or i might change my mind tomorrow. :) Still, I think its the person you love, and the way you are with them.

I enjoy my solitude, but I also love company, and I manage to get both and my companion understands it. Finding the right person who respects this need to be alone is the key coz then the focus is rightly on you, rather than on their (person/family's) feeling of abandonment.

Crafty Shines said...

so well written biju!
tho matrimony is pretty much defined by society, we can now see many couples who redefine it to what suits them. while compromises may come across as "being dominated" to the society, if it keeps u content, that's all that matters.

the one for u (have u found her? ;) ) will love u for all your traits, including the fact that u may want to be a loner at times.

be warned, MARRAIGE CAN BE A TIME-CONSUMING CONTRACT!!! so enjoy all the free time u have, coz later, its gonna be somebody else's time!!!!!

hee haw haw haw haw!!!(evil laugh)