The 11th Hour Confessions

On the threshold of my expected engagement and marriage to a soul which I proposed and which it disposed at the last hour, I'm crossing my fingers and holding my breath, not because of failure but of excitement. I'm simply not used to it and maybe I'm afraid of it. I guess she loves me and I've no qualms in inviting her into my life but I'm afraid.

You see, I'm no new to marriage. I've been married before to a lovely girl. Things had not worked out and we agreed for a mutual divorce. The year was 2000 and I was excited as now I’m of a life with a female gender. The hormones signaled yes, and I dumbly stood in front of the holy alter among a cascade of Christian orthodox Priests who sang in union and blessed us among smiles of more than a thousand people. What a day it was! A hopeful seemingly January sun cleared the sky, sang too in unison and the bright sparkling stars blessed us into a mysterious single body in our first night together.

Alas, I was a young fool. Ignorant and spoiled. Egoistic and selfish. My ex-wife was as also stubborn as never expected. I guess I hoped a submissive wife like my Sisters and Mother, which no young woman is and I failed to envision her thoughts. Thoughts which was about individuality and freedom. I failed miserably. I became the villain; I became the baddie in love; I became the villoma in our life; I became the epithelial tumor which could only be separated by the curse solution in society called divorce.

After she left me, I became half crazy, gave up my lucrative job, broke off all the glasses in the kitchen, migrated back to India and vowed never to love and trust again a female psyche. Of course I was not successful!

I've given my heart to so many girls but unlike playboys I've not lost count. My first ever love happened when I was doing my plus two (pre-degree at that time.) I watched with cupid dancing around my eyes a beautiful dark belle who used to travel in my bus everyday. The persistent cowboy in me saw giving a love letter (the only one I’ve given, yeah, those days it worked…) to her, forcibly inserted into her assemblage of college books and paraphernalia. Oh, yes, she had the twinkle in her eyes the next day and returned a letter back to me. I cannot express my feeling in this blog of what I felt; a mixture of exhilaration and an insurrection toward the daily monotony of college life. My next love life was when I was in Karnataka - Goa, met this tall beauty conscious lass whose friendship turned passionate and an obsession in the Osho fever which was fervent in our life at that time. The next crush was towards a Gulf Air air-hostess in Bahrain who fell for my romantic thoughts. A lot of seasons together we moved away. We simply moved away! The next break was my ex-wife, a pure arranged marriage which went wrong. She I fathom found a dearer human being with time. A lot of dark moments afterwards in Kochi, I fell in for an Aquarian who almost matched my madness. She was separated and the love guru who I had become by that time lectured her in reconciling with her estranged hubby. No woman likes that and I became as distant as the burning Sun and though she was not successful in rejoining up, she found a new macho heart. Then it was a series of relations through friends and families. A US based scientist who believed that I broke her heart and who wanted a life not in India, a young "blue eyed" girl so much younger to me, one or two divorcees who shared a dream with me but nothing worked out. Guess I'm the culprit, a dark faced monster who liked the dark part of all taking on the stupid phone and resisted the sunshine.

Roads sometimes lead to blocked roads but like pathways which guide us to find roads, I walk groping in the dark fumbling in the moonlight in relish of a dawn cherished by a hope known only in love. My proposed missy is divorced once because her ex-hubby had doubts about her morality and character. He believed that her friends and even her brother were all imaginary lovers falco subbuteo with secretive liaisons. I'm lucky in this, I believe in friends; I believe not in a husband and wife passing their time only in looking into each other eyes and being happy. Oh, come on, everyone needs love of their friends and other distractions. Marriage and love are just conditions for a legal societal based living together, sex and making legitimate generations, right?

Many of you hardly know anything about me and I've purposely not done any "know-me" (sorry - Vijesh, IHM) tags because I was afraid of rejection and revealing so much about me; I was afraid of the villain image; I was afraid of projecting my melancholy (Indyeah - You guessed right) ; I was afraid of jutting out my own fears and reality.

I've grown up over the years and have matured aged and ripened my thought processes, my patience and my egoistic thoughts. I now don't believe in infatuations but love in patience and empathy; I now believe in human thoughts espoused with the belief in living and dying with hands enjoined. Please bless me as I donate her my used heart!