Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Pseudo Love - A face in the fall

I had a fresh bout of depression this week. One of my previous girl friends got married this week. I know that I need to be happy about it but the fact that she didn't invite me for the event dug into my soul. God knows that I loved her and would have married her if her family was okay with it. I really don't understand why women are like this, they love you tons and hugs a minute and the next minute they escape even your name. Is it something to do with the society, the embarrassment or is it something to do with an attempt to forgetting the feelings of love, and forgetting those heart throbs that she experienced when in love. I used to call her the "blue eyed girl. Nah, she didn't have any blue eyes; she was the regular black eyed village belle trying to prove it out in the big city. A girl with a lot of hopes about finding an understanding man, a man who could give her a lot of freedom, a man different from the usual village MCP's and a man who could bear her children. She was born into a family which had very strict values instilled and drilled into their children, a family which didn't buy a T.V for the fear of corrupting the growing minds. I don't know what she saw in me but had evinced with expressive hands a huge rock, a boulder. She felt that I was one silent rock on which she could sit and watch the sun set.

Every time it's like this. I fall in and out of love. Every time, I feel optimistic that this time, I and a girl will connect and it will be the start of something wonderful. Initially, it seems to be going well. The conversation flows with the freshness of young rivers, you laugh together and you feel all excited and interesting but as days go by, there's no call, no email, no SMS. Finally, you take up the phone and call her; there is a space and a deafening noise of the ceiling fan or the noise of the T.V or a sudden intrusion of a friends call. This has become such a predictable event that I've grown to become a little less humiliated and a little less hopeless.

Looking around I discover that the most depressed and disgruntled people that I see are either married, or formerly married or have a live-in relationship. Though I don't want to say that the reason people get married is because they are weak and seek out stronger people to cling onto and feed off of their energy but this is the true nature of humans and parasites. Understanding marriage is becoming very difficult as time passes by. Sometimes, I find it to be completely unneeded and the source of more troubles than solutions. And I realize time and again that nothing makes me happier at the end of the day than being alone with myself and my own thoughts, living my own life and being responsible only for myself. Why do I need anyone else with me to say something or do something just to upset me and disturb my thoughts? Why don't all those married people out there that think they are happy, just realize that all one is doing is raising someone else who will grow up and have his own life and end up ruining and controlling someone else?

A cat that’s caged in the four walls of a house and never let out will generally live longer because it can only look out on a world it can't enjoy. There are no risks, only comforts - of security, of routine food but as we see it, there is no life. A cat which was born in the street and lives out in the open will generally live a shorter life. But, maybe in so living, it experiences much more of what life has to offer, good, bad and adventurous. So, who precisely should I pity more?

1 comment:

jerry said...


always knew it was something