Friday, October 3, 2008

Naive Cynicism

My birthday party rocked. It gave me wings. A time well spent in the company of friends. For the first time, I was able to recognize the faces of friends from a length. I learned that my world was not the only world. That my time was not the only time. Their lives were remarkably so different from mine and yet it was heartening to see the glint in the eye of a smiling friend when he was happy and enjoying.

Each party, significantly, occurs in three temporal phases, and this is one of its most prominent features. Anticipation, then of the actual event itself, and finally of recall which then becomes a source, spur, and stimulus for the next party in the future. Permeating in us over time, emotional as well as the perceptual and the rational and that in which we actively participate rather than passively undergo. They simply dwell in us and are, without reflection, vacated by us for whatever comes along next. They involve no processing over time, no learning of values and attitudes. It's blindly incorporated within ourselves with no firm emotional, physical, or intellectual investment, and no conscious reflection. They can, indeed, barely be called experiences. They use up the clocked time but add a lot of richness in our lives.

This year, a lot of people forgot my birthday including some of my dearest friends. There were ones who used to be the first to call me every year. Not this year. Not even a SMS. This is the first time in my life that I actually messaged people to inform them and remind them that it’s my birthday and they should wish me. Hahahha. I know it sounds pathetic and weird but I feel that it brightened up my day a little after doing it.

I opened up the balcony door in the morning a day after my birthday to see if the world looked any different. My purposeful observance excited me by being able to find beauty in the most intricate detail and the abundance of open space. A sight in which the tiniest detail became a visual feast and the awe-inspiring beauty of open spaces was shown to me with crystal clarity for the first time in my life.

Suddenly I realized that my apathy has absolutely nothing to do with the lack of ability to band together, and my cynicism has nothing to do with a lack of ideals. I just probably feel defeated. The energy is there and the support has been there, but time and again it’s been shut down, nothing has changed. The self, me, as I’ve come to comprehend, is a very tight web of reactions that I hold onto because it’s all I feel I've. I could easily get rid of it if I so preferred to, but then what more would I've?

No comments: