Soul's Hermitage - Compulsive Objectivity

I just don't know if it is freedom of coming out of my bathroom stark naked and walking to my bedroom or if its the lazy waking up at 11 A.M in the morning or the total control of the T.V remote or simply doing my own thing in life which fascinates me but it really sucks. Loneliness for me is believably a mixture of self-pity and that missing feeling of being with another - someone to hold you and share with. There are times when the house is a comfortable prison. There are friends who keep telling me how concerned they are that I don't go out much beyond shopping etc. However for most of the time I think I like it that way, and find pressure to socialize quite daunting and I don't know whether I would want to change things. I have even stopped going to weddings as I feel a physical pain and an urge to seek a mate. I prefer to just lock myself at home rather than go out and see couples enjoying being in love. Most of my friends have vanished and are on the verge of drifting away and my social life has vanished too for no one seems to want to ask a bachelor to functions with couples. Actually I find this difficult myself as everyone seems to be in pairs and I have suffered painfully in these situations to the point of feeling so isolated that I have become tearful. Fortunately I do have a couple of close, loving and faithful friends who make all the difference. They visit, and ask me over on a regular basis, they phone and text me daily which is all really lovely and very comforting.

I haven't been a loner all my life. But recently I've become an "empathic sensitive" and I perceive, sense, and feel things about people without trying to do so. I think I just "know" things. I simply feel them. Some or all of my sensory perceptions go beyond the normal levels into the highly sensitive or even ultra sensitive levels. My nervous system gets overloaded easily from receiving too much stimulus from others and so I need a lot of time alone to recoup my energy that seems to get drained daily by others. I need hence to spend 50% or more of my time alone, depending upon my sensitivity level with that individual. I feel that I've to almost live a hermit's lifestyle due to their ultra sensitivity to the world around them. You feel easily overwhelmed by this too much stimuli, and I tend to overreact to everything when this happens. I miss others, yet feel reluctant to accept invites to go places, and struggle with accepting them. I don't need physical love but emotional love I need and miss it dreadfully. I can wear my multiple masks in the plentitude company of others and just "smile" but returning back in my room the tears just huddle down and I long just to be hugged, to have some tenderness. That is definitely a big miss in my life.

I gave away almost everything I owned when I moved to a new flat and it was a lot. I wanted a new start. No old things to remind me of myriad past but a funny thing happened on the way to my earthly solution. I came with me. Now, I know it isn't furniture or pots and pans or the clothes that makes us what we are, it isn't even the heart that beats in us. What makes us what we are, are our thoughts!

In all, if you have lost someone special to you, regardless of reason, they say the best thing to do is to live well. If you're the one who was wronged in parting, it is the best revenge, and if you lost someone through no fault of your own, it is what they would have wanted for you anyway.

"I will go in quest for my soul's hermitage."

"And stillest birth. For oh, I crave and thirst."

"To hear in soundlessness man's fanatic protest."

"Against the destiny with which my soul is cursed."